Recovery Patterns of Codependence			"I" Version - Recovery Patterns of Codependence		"We" Version - Recovery Patterns of Codependence
Denial Patterns	Codependents often...	In Recovery	In Codependence	In Recovery	Codependents often	In Recovery	D e n i a l
	Have difficulty identifying what they are feeling	I am aware of my feelings and identify them, often in the moment. I know the difference between my thoughts and feelings.	I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.	I become more aware of my feelings and identify them, often in the moment. I learn the difference between my thoughts and feelings.	Have difficulty identifying what they are feeling.	We become more aware of our feelings and identify them, often in the moment. We learn the difference between our thoughts and feelings.
	Minimize, alter, or deny how they truly feel.	I embrace my feelings; they are valid and important.	I minimize, alter, or deny how I truly feel.	I embrace my feelings; they are valid and important.	Minimize, alter, or deny how they truly feel.	We embrace our feelings; they are valid and important.
	Perceive themselves as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well- being of others	I know the difference between caring and caretaking. I recognize that caretaking others is often motivated by a need to benefit myself.	I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well-being of others.	I know the difference between caring and caretaking, recognizing that caretaking others may be motivated by self-interest.	Perceive themselves as completely unselfish and dedicated to the wellbeing of others.	We know the difference between caring and caretaking, recognizing that caretaking others may be motivated by self-interest.
	Lack empathy for the feelings and needs of others.	I am able to feel compassion for another s feelings and needs.	I lack empathy for the feelings and needs of others.	I feel compassion for the feelings and needs of others.	Lack empathy for the feelings and needs of others.	We feel compassion for the feelings and needs of others.
	Label others with their negative traits.	I acknowledge that I may own the negative traits I often perceive in others.	I label others with my negative traits.	I perceive that the negative traits I see in others may also be my own.	Label others with their negative traits.	We perceive that the negative traits we see in others may also be our own.
	Think they can take care of themselves without any help from others.	I acknowledge that I sometimes need the help of others.	I think I can take care of myself without any help from others.	I acknowledge that asking for help is healthy self-care.	Think they can take care of themselves without any help from others.	We acknowledge that asking for help is healthy self-care.
	Mask pain in various ways such as anger, humor, or isolation.	I am aware of my painful feelings and express them appropriately.	I mask pain in various ways such as anger, humor, or isolation.	I recognize that anger, humor, or isolation may be clues to underlying pain or trauma.	Mask pain in various ways such as anger, humor, or isolation.	We recognize that anger, humor, or isolation may be clues to underlying pain or trauma.
	Express negativity or aggression in indirect and passive ways.	I am able to express my feelings openly, directly, and calmly.	I express negativity or aggression in indirect and passive ways.	I express my feelings and speak my truth openly, directly, and calmly.	Express negativity or aggression in indirect and passive ways.	We express our feelings and speak our truth openly, directly, and calmly.
	Do not recognize the unavailability of those people to whom they are attracted.	I pursue intimate relationships only with others who want, and are able to engage in, healthy and loving relationships.	I do not recognize the unavailability of those people to whom I am attracted.	I pursue close relationships with emotionally available people	Do not recognize the unavailability of those people to whom they are attracted.	We pursue close relationships with emotionally available people.
Low Self- esteem Patterns	Codependents often...	In Recovery	In Codependence	In Recovery	Codependents often	In Recovery	L o w S e l f - e s t e e m
	Have difficulty making decisions.	I trust my ability to make effective decisions.	I have difficulty making decisions	I trust my Higher Power s guidance and my intuition in making effective decisions.	Have difficulty making decisions.	We trust our Higher Power s guidance and our intuition in making effective decisions.
	Judge what they think, say, or do harshly, as never good enough.	I accept myself as I am. I emphasize progress over perfection.	I judge what I think, say, or do harshly, as never good enough.	I accept myself as I am, choosing personal progress rather than perfection.	Judge what they think, say, or do harshly, as never good enough.	We accept ourselves as we are, choosing personal progress rather than perfection.
	Are embarrassed to receive recognition, praise, or gifts.	I feel appropriately worthy of the recognition, praise, or gifts I receive.	I am embarrassed to receive recognition, praise, or gifts.	I graciously accept recognition, praise, or gifts.	Are embarrassed to receive recognition, praise, or gifts.	We graciously accept recognition, praise, or gifts.
	Value others approval of their thinking, feelings, and behavior over their own.	I value the opinions of those I trust, without needing to gain their approval. I have confidence in myself.	I value others' approval of my thinking, feelings, and behavior over my own.	I value my own thinking, feelings, and decisions, finding confidence in myself.	Value others' approval of their thinking, feelings, and behavior over their own.	We value our own thinking, feelings, and decisions, finding confidence in ourselves.
	Do not perceive themselves as lovable or worthwhile persons.	I recognize myself as being a lovable and valuable person.	I do not perceive myself as lovable or a worthwhile person.	I feel lovable and valuable as I am.	Do not perceive themselves as lovable or worthwhile persons.	We feel lovable and valuable as we are.
	Seek recognition and praise to overcome feeling less than.	I seek my own approval first, and examine my motivations carefully when I seek approval from others.	I seek recognition and praise to overcome feeling less than.	I feel equal to others. Recognition and praise from others do not determine my value.	Seek recognition and praise to overcome feeling less than.	We feel equal to others. Recognition and praise from others do not determine our value.
	Have difficulty admitting a mistake.	I continue to take my personal inventory, and when I am wrong, promptly admit it.	I have difficulty admitting a mistake.	I continue to take my personal inventory, and promptly admit my mistakes.	Have difficulty admitting a mistake.	We continue to take our personal inventory, and promptly admit our mistakes.
	Need to appear to be right in the eyes of others and may even lie to look good.	I am honest with myself about my behaviors and motivations. I feel secure enough to admit mistakes to myself and others, and to hear their opinions without feeling threatened.	I need to appear to be right in the eyes of others and may even lie to look good.	I take personal responsibility for my behaviors and motivations. It is more important for me to be authentic than to look good to others.	Need to appear to be right in the eyes of others and may even lie to look good.	We take personal responsibility for our behaviors and motivations. It is more important for us to be authentic than to look good to others.
	Are unable to identify or ask for what they need and want.	I meet my own needs and wants when possible. I reach out for help when it s necessary and appropriate.	I am unable to identify or ask for what I need and want.	I meet my own needs and wants, including communicating my needs and wants to others.	Are unable to identify or ask for what they need and want.	We meet our own needs and wants, including communicating our needs and wants to others.
	Perceive themselves as superior to others.	I perceive myself as equal to others.	I perceive myself as superior to others.	I see myself as equal to others. I release the need to feel better than or less than others.	Perceive themselves as superior to others.	We see ourselves as equal to others. We release the need to feel better than or less than others.
	Look to others to provide their sense of safety.	With the help of my Higher Power, I create safety in my life.	I look to others to provide my sense of safety.	I look to my Higher Power and myself to create safety in my life.	Look to others to provide their sense of safety.	We look to our Higher Power and ourselves to create safety in our lives.
	Have difficulty getting started, meeting deadlines, and completing projects.	I avoid procrastination by meeting my responsibilities in a timely manner.	I have difficulty getting started, meeting deadlines, and completing projects.	I willingly take action, starting and completing what needs to be done.	Have difficulty getting started, meeting deadlines, and completing projects.	We willingly take action, starting and completing what needs to be done.
	Have trouble setting healthy priorities and boundaries.	I am able to establish and uphold healthy priorities and boundaries in my life.	I have trouble setting healthy priorities and boundaries.	I establish and uphold healthy priorities and boundaries.	Have trouble setting healthy priorities and boundaries.	We establish and uphold healthy priorities and boundaries.
Compliance Patterns	Codependents often...	In Recovery	In Codependence	In Recovery	Codependents often	In Recovery	C o m p l i a n c e
	Are extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.	I am committed to my safety and leave situations that feel unsafe or are inconsistent with my goals.	I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.	I am committed to my personal and emotional safety. I am able to leave situations that feel threatening or unsafe.	Are extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.	We are committed to our personal and emotional safety. We are able to leave situations that feel threatening or unsafe.
	Compromise their own values and integrity to avoid rejection or anger.	I am rooted in my own values, even if others don t agree or become angry.	I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or anger.	I am rooted in my personal values and act with integrity, regardless of the reactions of others	Compromise their own values and integrity to avoid rejection or anger.	We are rooted in our personal values and act with integrity, regardless of the reactions of others.
	Put aside their own interests in order to do what others want.	I consider my interests and feelings when asked to participate in another s plans.	I put aside my own interests in order to do what others want.	I reflect on my feelings and interests before participating in other s plans.	Put aside their own interests in order to do what others want.	We reflect on our feelings and interests before participating in other s plans.
	Are hypervigilant regarding the feelings of others and take on those feelings.	I can separate my feelings from the feelings of others. I allow myself to experience my feelings and others to be responsible for their feelings.	I am hypervigilant regarding the feelings of others and take on those feelings.	I detach from the feelings of others and honor my own boundaries. I know where I stop and where others begin.	Are hypervigilant regarding the feelings of others and take on those feelings.	We detach from the feelings of others and honor our own boundaries. We know where we stop and where others begin.
	Are afraid to express their beliefs, opinions, and feelings when they differ from those of others.	I respect my own opinions and feelings and express them appropriately.	I am afraid to express my beliefs, opinions, and feelings when they differ from those of others.	I courageously and openly express my beliefs, opinions, and feelings when I choose.	Are afraid to express their beliefs, opinions, and feelings when they differ from those of others.	We courageously and openly express our beliefs, opinions, and feelings when we choose.
	Accept sexual attention when they want love.	My sexuality is grounded in genuine intimacy and connection. When I need to feel loved, I express my heart s desires. I do not settle for sex without love.	I accept sexual attention when I want love.	Grounded in self love, I consciously define my own sexuality and choose my own sexual expression. I refuse unwanted sexual attention.	Accept sexual attention when they want love.	Grounded in self-love, we consciously define our own sexuality and choose our own sexual expression. We refuse unwanted sexual attention.
	Make decisions without regard to the consequences.	I ask my Higher Power for guidance, and consider possible consequences before I make decisions.	I make decisions without regard to the consequences.	I ask my Higher Power for guidance and consider possible consequences before making decisions.	Make decisions without regard to the consequences.	We ask our Higher Power for guidance and consider possible consequences before making decisions.
	Give up their truth to gain the approval of others or to avoid change.	I stand in my truth and maintain my integrity, whether others approve or not, even if it means making difficult changes in my life.	I give up my truth to gain the approval of others or to avoid change.	I stand in my own truth, whether others approve or not, even if it means making difficult changes in my life.	Give up their truth to gain the approval of others or to avoid change.	We stand in our own truth, whether others approve or not, even if it means making difficult changes in our lives.
Control Patterns	Codependents often...	In Recovery	In Codependence	In Recovery	Codependents often	In Recovery	C o n t r o l
	Believe people are incapable of taking care of themselves.	I realize that, with rare exceptions, other adults are capable of managing their own lives.	I believe people are incapable of taking care of themselves.	I respect the autonomy of others, releasing them to their own Higher Power.	Believe people are incapable of taking care of themselves.	We respect the autonomy of others, releasing them to their own Higher Power.
	Attempt to convince others what to think, do, or feel.	I accept the thoughts, choices, and feelings of others, even though I may not be comfortable with them.	I attempt to convince others what to think, do, or feel.	I accept the thoughts, choices, and feelings of others.	Attempt to convince others what to think, do, or feel.	We accept the thoughts, choices, and feelings of others.
	Freely offer advice and direction without being asked.	I give advice only when asked.	I freely offer advice and direction without being asked.	I share my experience, strength, and hope, only offering advice or direction when requested.	Freely offer advice and direction without being asked.	We share our experience, strength, and hope, only offering advice or direction when requested.
	Become resentful when others decline their help or reject their advice.	I am content to see others take care of themselves.	I become resentful when others decline my help or reject my advice.	When others decline my help or reject my advice, I do not take it personally. I let go of the results.	Become resentful when others decline their help or reject their advice.	When others decline our help or reject our advice, we do not take it personally. We let go of the results.
	Lavish gifts and favors on those they want to influence.	I carefully and honestly contemplate my motivations when preparing to give a gift.	I lavish gifts and favors on those I want to influence.	I reflect on my motives. I give gifts with no expectations.	Lavish gifts and favors on those they want to influence.	We reflect on our motives. We give gifts with no expectations.
	Use sexual attention to gain approval and acceptance.	I embrace and celebrate my sexuality as evidence of my health and wholeness. I do not use it to gain the approval of others.	I use sexual attention to gain approval and acceptance.	I embrace my own sexuality in a healthy manner. I do not use sex to gain approval or to manipulate others.	Use sexual attention to gain approval and acceptance.	We embrace our own sexuality in a healthy manner. We do not use sex to gain approval or to manipulate others.
	Have to feel needed in order to have a relationship with others.	I develop relationships with others based on equality, intimacy, and balance.	I have to feel needed in order to have a relationship with others.	I choose new and renewed relationships based on equality and balance.	Have to feel needed in order to have a relationship with others.	We choose new and renewed relationships based on equality and balance.
	Demand that their needs be met by others.	I find and use resources that meet my needs without making demands on others. I ask for help when I need it, without expectation.	I demand that my needs be met by others.	I recognize and take responsibility for meeting my own needs. I ask for help when I need it, without the expectation of being rescued.	Demand that their needs be met by others.	We recognize and take responsibility for meeting our own needs. We ask for help when we need it, without the expectation of being rescued.
	Use charm and charisma to convince others of their capacity to be caring and compassionate.	I behave authentically with others, allowing my caring and compassionate qualities to emerge.	I use charm and charisma to convince others of my capacity to be caring and compassionate.	I discover my authentic self and interact honestly and respectfully.	Use charm and charisma to convince others of their capacity to be caring and compassionate.	We discover our authentic selves and interact honestly and respectfully.
	Use blame and shame to exploit others emotionally.	I ask directly for what I want and need and trust the outcome to my Higher Power. I do not try to manipulate outcomes with blame or shame.	I use blame and shame to exploit others emotionally.	I let go of manipulating with blame and shame. I trust outcomes to my Higher Power.	Use blame and shame to exploit others emotionally.	We let go of manipulating with blame and shame. We trust outcomes to our Higher Power.
	Refuse to cooperate, compromise, or negotiate.	I cooperate, compromise, and negotiate with others in a way that honors my integrity.	I refuse to cooperate, compromise, or negotiate.	I negotiate with integrity in all my relationships.	Refuse to cooperate, compromise, or negotiate.	We negotiate with integrity in all our relationships.
	Adopt an attitude of indifference, helplessness, authority, or rage to manipulate outcomes.	I treat others with respect and consideration, and trust my Higher Power to meet my needs and desires.	I adopt an attitude of indifference, helplessness, authority, or rage to manipulate outcomes.	I let go of my reactive attitudes and behaviors, treat others with respect and consideration, and leave the outcomes to my Higher Power.	Adopt an attitude of indifference, helplessness, authority, or rage to manipulate outcomes.	We let go of our reactive attitudes and behaviors, treat others with respect and consideration, and leave the outcomes to our Higher Power.
	Use recovery jargon in an attempt to control the behavior of others.	I use my recovery for my own growth and not to manipulate or control others.	I use recovery jargon in an attempt to control the behavior of others.	I use program language for my own growth, letting go of the desire to change, manipulate, or control others.	Use recovery jargon in an attempt to control the behavior of others.	We use program language for our own growth, letting go of the desire to change, manipulate, or control others.
	Pretend to agree with others to get what they want.	My communication with others is authentic and truthful.	I pretend to agree with others to get what I want.	I communicate authentically and truthfully.	Pretend to agree with others to get what they want.	We communicate authentically and truthfully.
Avoidance Patterns	Codependents often...	In Recovery	In Codependence	In Recovery	Codependents often	In Recovery	A v o i d a n c e
	Act in ways that invite others to reject, shame, or express anger toward them.	I act in ways that encourage loving and healthy responses from others.	I act in ways that invite others to reject, shame, or express anger toward me.	I treat myself and others with respect and kindness. I recognize that the reactions of others are beyond my control.	Act in ways that invite others to reject, shame, or express anger toward them.	We treat ourselves and others with respect and kindness. We recognize that the reactions of others are beyond our control.
	Judge harshly what others think, say, or do.	I keep an open mind and accept others as they are.	I judge harshly what others think, say, or do.	I keep an open heart and mind. I accept others as they are.	Judge harshly what others think, say, or do.	We keep an open heart and mind. We accept others as they are.
	Avoid emotional, physical, or sexual intimacy as a way to maintain distance.	I engage in emotional, physical, or sexual intimacy when it is healthy and appropriate for me.	I avoid emotional, physical, or sexual intimacy as a way to maintain distance.	I am open to intimacy in my relationships. I create healthy boundaries to keep me safe.	Avoid emotional, physical, or sexual intimacy as a way to maintain distance.	We are open to intimacy in our relationships. We create healthy boundaries to keep ourselves safe.
	Allow addictions to people, places, and things to distract them from achieving intimacy in relationships.	I practice my recovery to develop healthy and fulfilling relationships.	I allow addictions to people, places, and things to distract me from achieving intimacy in relationships.	I release my obsessions to my Higher Power. I practice recovery to create safety, self-respect, and connection.	Allow addictions to people, places, and things to distract them from achieving intimacy in relationships.	We release our obsessions to our Higher Power. We practice recovery to create safety, self-respect, and connection.
	Use indirect or evasive communication to avoid conflict or confrontation.	I use direct and straightforward communication to resolve conflicts and deal appropriately with confrontations.	I use indirect or evasive communication to avoid conflict or confrontation.	I use direct and straightforward communication to resolve conflicts and work through confrontations.	Use indirect or evasive communication to avoid conflict or confrontation.	We use direct and straightforward communication to resolve conflicts and work through confrontations.
	Diminish their capacity to have healthy relationships by declining to use the tools of recovery.	When I use the tools of recovery, I am able to develop and maintain healthy relationships of my choosing.	I diminish my capacity to have healthy relationships by declining to use the tools of recovery.	I use the tools of recovery to develop and maintain healthy relationships.	Diminish their capacity to have healthy relationships by declining to use the tools of recovery.	We use the tools of recovery to develop and maintain healthy relationships.
	Suppress their feelings or needs to avoid feeling vulnerable.	I embrace my own vulnerability by trusting and honoring my feelings and needs.	I suppress my feelings or needs to avoid feeling vulnerable.	I allow myself to feel and honor my vulnerability, trusting my Higher Power to meet my needs.	Suppress their feelings or needs to avoid feeling vulnerable.	We allow ourselves to feel and honor our vulnerability, trusting our Higher Power to meet our needs.
	Pull people toward them, but when others get close, push them away.	I welcome close relationships while maintaining healthy boundaries.	I pull people toward me, but when others get close, push them away.	I welcome close, interdependent relationships while creating and respecting healthy boundaries.	Pull people toward them, but when others get close, push them away.	We welcome close, interdependent relationships while creating and respecting healthy boundaries.
	Refuse to give up their self-will to avoid surrendering to a power greater than themselves.	I believe in and trust a power greater than myself. I willingly surrender my self-will to my Higher Power.	I refuse to give up my self-will to avoid surrendering to a power greater than myself.	I place trust in my Higher Power, surrendering my self-will.	Refuse to give up their self-will to avoid surrendering to a power greater than themselves.	We place trust in our Higher Power, surrendering our self-will.
	Believe displays of emotion are a sign of weakness.	I honor my authentic emotions and share them when appropriate.	I believe displays of emotion are a sign of weakness.	I honor my emotions and express them authentically.	Believe displays of emotion are a sign of weakness.	We honor our emotions and express them authentically.
	Withhold expressions of appreciation.	I freely engage in expressions of appreciation toward others.	I withhold expressions of appreciation.	I freely express appreciation toward myself and others.	Withhold expressions of appreciation.	We freely express appreciation toward ourselves and others.
The Recovery Patterns of Codependence may not be reprinted or republished without the express written consent of Co-Dependents Anonymous, Inc. This document may be reprinted from the website www.coda.org (CoDA) for use by members of the CoDA Fellowship. Copyright 2011 Co-Dependents Anonymous, Inc. All rights reserved.